I’m Baaaaaaaaaaack!

As is usually the case once someone stops blogging, I’ve been eating crap and not moving my ass.  Yep yep, it’s true.  Okay, not complete crap eating, but close enough.  I’ve been eating WAY more than my non moving ass needs.  Thus I’m sure I’ve put on at least fifteen pounds.  I’ve not stepped on the scale and I’m not going to, and dammit you cannot make me.  I’m going to go by my jeans.  I had to put up my jeans and get bigger sizes, and I am determined to get back into the old ones.  I have always said I refuse to be a statistic.  Now to live it. 

Stay tuned.

The Past is Present

My parents disowned me when I was 17 because I had a bastard child.  It was the final straw for them in a hell teen escapade.  They washed their hands of me and were done.

I had contact here and there over the years.  Mainly me initiating trying to get back in their good graces, only to have it very obvious they were not interested.

Last year I found out my mother died… two years ago.

Today I had to call my father to get information for my birth certificate application.  He called me back.  We spent twenty minutes on the phone, catching up. He told me all about his struggles with cancer.  We shared some words about parenting with what we have.  There was a lot unspoken, but understood.  It ended well.

How do I feel?  Numb.  Teary.

He’s dying.  Slowly.  Of cancer in his kidney.  And it’s really over between us.  We talked amicably, and friendly even.  But not as a father and daughter.  I mourn for the years of mourning I did.  I mourn for the dying man.  I mourn for… I don’t even know.

I’m not completely fucked up and traumatized, but I do find myself to be incredibly sad.  I thought maybe coming here and typing it out my fingertips might help, but I am actually finding myself at a loss for words.  I don’t think I really know what I feel or why.

So with that, I will stop here.

Best. Ever.

Sex, that is…

Yep, had an AMAZING hot sensual session with my man.  Best in years.  Why?  Cuz I ran into an old flame on Friday night.  Unfinished business between him and I, but we are both happily married, and neither is willing to risk the consequences of an affair.  However, the mind is in overdrive, and it’s taking the libido with it.

My husband is a lucky man right now!!

I’m here! I’m here!

Holy Hair Straight Back, Batman!!

Is it Friday yet?  Drat, only Tuesday?  Harumph.

I’m having a week, lemme tell ya.

Work:  Trying to block time and focus on sales.  Today, 24 emails went around because our regular Thursday morning meeting needed to be moved.  24 emails and one long-ass phone call later, it was decided to not move it.  Really?  Why are we not productive?  Why??  I spent the day screaming “I HATE YOU ALL” every time and email came in.  Can you say stress?

Home:  I have a broken dog.  Oscar, the wiener, his back went out.  So he’s on crate rest for weeks.  And painkillers.  He cannot go out to go pee.  I have to nurse him constantly.  He’s stressed cuz he’s peeing the bed.  He is in pain and cannot move.  His rear end is paralyzed right now.  I went out and bought pee pads, so it’s getting easier, but man this is not fun.  I hate that he’s feeling like this.  Steve asked me if he should put him down, and I said no.  I work from home so I have the capacity to take care of him.

Steve:  I told him today that I realize why I hate him (I don’t and he knows that).  He is done work, comes home and his day is done and he can just sit his ass in front of the television and be served his dinner.  I work all day, too.  But am I done when work is done?  No.  I still have to take care of the dog, do housework, make dinner, etc.  His answer to all this?  “I appreciate you”.  I told him it’s not enough.  I was joking.  A little.  He got it.  But is it going to change? No.

Dinner: I made sliders!  I found those burger first type bun things in slider size so had fun with it.  I made extra lean curried turkey burgers and roasted asparagus instead of fries.  Holy freakin goodness!!!  I will do that again!  While I was at it I made some beef meatballs for tomorrow’s spaghetti sauce.

Mirrors and Mindgames

Oh the mindgames we play with ourselves!

I stepped on the scale today, expecting a number in the 170s.  Why?  Because I could see that weight I’ve put on in the mirror.  I could see the extra tire around the middle that is creeping back.  I can feel the weight in my extra chin coming back.
 
I’ve not been in a great place, mentally, when it comes to my weight, what with the limitations to my activity because of my hip.  I’ve spent the last four weeks avoiding the scale.  Four weeks.  I have not gone that long without weighing myself since I was over 200 lbs.

So this morning I bit the bullet and jumped on.  158 it told me.  No!  I stepped off, reset it, and stepped back on.  158 it told me again, this time with a faint “didn’t I say that already” behind it.

What?  How is that possible?  I am at the SAME weight I was four weeks ago?  The same weight I’ve been for over six months?  I’ve maintained?  Or gained then lost?  But but but… what about those extra chins I see?  What about the extra tire?  What about the extra 20 pounds I can see in the mirror. 

So off I trundle, back to the mirror.  Nope, I look actually pretty good.  In fact, I look pretty great!

WTF, man!!  What the hell is going on in my brain that I can do that to myself??  How does one see two different things in the mirror only because of a number on the scale, or a PERCEIVED number on the scale (when one is truly afraid to stand on it but KNOWS what it’s going to say).

Soooo, what have I learned?  1).  Don’t trust the mirror.  2).  Eating clean foods the majority of the time will keep you where you want to be.  3).  I rock.

What games are going on in YOUR head?

Really? And woot!

First the “really”.  My boss.  Really?  Have you considered getting a clue?  FFS!!!  Suffice it to say that some days I wonder what the HELL is going through these people’s heads.  How about NOT flying by the seat of your pants.  All day I stressed about finding more hours in my day.  All.Day.  Only to find out that he doesn’t even KNOW what he needs me to do.  FanTAStic.  Whatever. (I so need a sarcasm font)

The Woot is for Intuitive Eating. All day I have been conscious of my hunger/satiety.  I’ve purposefully not made large meals.  The biggest NSV today was at dinner.  I had a small porkloin chop, and almost put another on my plate.  I actually hovered it over my plate twice before reaching up for a sandwich plate and putting it there.  I then took off some of my asparagus and put it on the lunch plate for tomorrow.  And guess what?  I’m SATISFIED.  I feel great!  AND there is room for popcorn tonight with Biggest Loser.

You MUST read this….

I have a bloggy friend named Marisa (waves at Marisa madly), and she has a fabulous blog called “Loser for Life“.  Today she has a guest post up that is all about intuitive eating, and OMG it’s fabulous!

I highly suggest you give it a read. I’ve bookmarked the links and will definitely be coming back to this for further study.

Click here to see the post I’m referring to.

Long Weekend Shenanigans

Friday was a shit scene, with a huge fight with my sister and getting the news that my boy will not pass grade ten… again.  Fabulous.  Ptthhhppttt.

Saturday redeemed.  I got my stitches out (Yay!).  I spent most of the day on the couch with my man.  I went to Costco to buy vitamins (one of the reasons I think I’ve been so draggy is because I ran out of  women’s vitamins, and have been taking regular multivitamins.  I think the lack of iron is dragging my ass down.

Saturday night my girl friends all got together and brought our lingerie out.  We then proceeded to do a photo shoot!  Yup yup we did!  Nothing like a few flattering shots to make you feel great again, and put you back on track.

We had so much fun!  And we all felt really sexy that night, which does a body psyche good!

Sunday found the man still sick, so I phoned my sons and we went out to brunch together, which was AWESOME quality time (my boys are 23 and 16, so generally too busy with life to hang with mom often).  Then the younger went on his way, and the older and I picked up one of his coworkers and mosied our way up to Stave Lake for some mud boggin.  Well, we WATCHED mud boggin.  I drive a Pontiac Wave, so instead of 4x4in we were 2x4in. (it’s an inside joke actually from when older boy was only four, and I was out 4x4in and when I came back he was all excited and telling everyone that his mommy was out “2x4in”)  The rest of the night was spent on the couch with the sickie man, watching good tv.

And now I sit waiting for the man to finish mowing the lawn so we can go out on the bike.  It’s been a crappy weekend weather-wise (poor campers), so today is the only semi decent one by the looks of it.  No idea where we are going yet.  🙂

What’s New?

Not much, really.  I’m not stepping on the scale cuz I know it’s ugly.  I’ve had my head in the sand feeling damn sorry for myself with my bursitis.  I’ve stopped doing cardio because it all inflames it.  Which meant I stopped doing everything.  Even walking inflames it, so not even that.

And did I control my eating?  HELLS NO!  That would have made SENSE.  Pffft.

I also have stitches in my armpit, so today when I went to do some strength training, it turns out it’s too soon for my extraction site (mole, will get biopsy results on the 22nd).  Now I’m in pain again, and pissed about it.

So instead I vaccuumed my house and did laundry.  *shrug* At least it’s moving, right?

Dinner tonight is a steak with roasted zucchini and carrots.  I have olive oil and pizza spice on my veggies.  Yup, pizza spice.  I figure why the hell not, right?  Might be tasty!  I know I love it in my egg whites in the morning.  Holy delicious!  And I get it for a buck from a loonie store.  It’s a grinder with all the spices and NO salt.  Woot!!  I’ll definitely be picking up some more of that business!

Oh, and my sister absolutely rocks.  She ordered me a case of PB2 cuz she felt bad that I was sad about not being able to do the Sun Run.  It should be here in a couple of weeks, and I’m pretty excited about it.  They have a major backlog, which is why it will take so long.  Fantastic customer service from
The Bell Plantation, that’s for sure!  And no, I don’t work for the company, I just love the product.

Random Point Form Thoughts

– It’s Mother’s Day, which is bitter sweet.  I choose to focus on the sweet, but give a limited time for the bitter, to honour those gone.

– Best Day Ever, yesterday.  Hubby and I jumped on the bike and rode to Whistler to have dinner.  NICE.

– Eating has sucked, portion-wise, but I will get that under control.  I have a plan for the week, and am shopping to the plan.  I will not eat until stuffed, which is what I have been doing.  My pants are tight, and I could go out and get a bigger size, but that is not a solution.  Taking care of my health is.  Not being a statistic is.

– I am supposed to be in the Sun Run today.  I’m not because of my bursitis.  I chose to sleep in and luxuriate in bed.  Not a bad thing.  But it is a sad thing.  Now to do all I can to rest it, heal it, and make it better so I can get active again.  This is a huge part of why I’m gaining the weight back.  Cardio kills my hip.  I need to find alternatives.

– I suckered myself into making “old me” nachos for dinner tonight for my boys.  As a rule they suck at Mother’s Day.  Except last year, when they made HUGE effort for zero dollars, which was the absolute best.  I don’t want them spending money on me, I want them appreciating me.  Year before last, I overheard the younger giving the older what for on the phone the week before, saying “don’t forget” and really giving him the gears.  Then not only did the older do nothing, neither did the younger!  I snapped.  SNAPPED.  On both of them.  So last year they took me for the whole day and we watched the older’s friend’s baseball games, went for a walk in the forest, then had a bbq.  It was awesome.  This year I told them how happy I was last year, and how impressed I was.  I know there will be effort this year, even if it’s just all of us being together over nachos.  But that’s all I want, so it’s good.

– Canucks could be out after tonight.  Sucker deal that it’s on during my nachos, but I’m shrugging it off and making the most of it.  I’m going to psych myself up to enjoy the game, and not pout my way through it.  Secret Sigh.

– Must… get… ass… in… gear…