Shhhh… You Don't Know Me

May 28, 2010

Mirrors and Mindgames

Filed under: Journey — Shhhh @ 10:18 pm

Oh the mindgames we play with ourselves!

I stepped on the scale today, expecting a number in the 170s.  Why?  Because I could see that weight I’ve put on in the mirror.  I could see the extra tire around the middle that is creeping back.  I can feel the weight in my extra chin coming back.
I’ve not been in a great place, mentally, when it comes to my weight, what with the limitations to my activity because of my hip.  I’ve spent the last four weeks avoiding the scale.  Four weeks.  I have not gone that long without weighing myself since I was over 200 lbs.

So this morning I bit the bullet and jumped on.  158 it told me.  No!  I stepped off, reset it, and stepped back on.  158 it told me again, this time with a faint “didn’t I say that already” behind it.

What?  How is that possible?  I am at the SAME weight I was four weeks ago?  The same weight I’ve been for over six months?  I’ve maintained?  Or gained then lost?  But but but… what about those extra chins I see?  What about the extra tire?  What about the extra 20 pounds I can see in the mirror. 

So off I trundle, back to the mirror.  Nope, I look actually pretty good.  In fact, I look pretty great!

WTF, man!!  What the hell is going on in my brain that I can do that to myself??  How does one see two different things in the mirror only because of a number on the scale, or a PERCEIVED number on the scale (when one is truly afraid to stand on it but KNOWS what it’s going to say).

Soooo, what have I learned?  1).  Don’t trust the mirror.  2).  Eating clean foods the majority of the time will keep you where you want to be.  3).  I rock.

What games are going on in YOUR head?


April 2, 2010

Day 5

Filed under: Daily Jabber,Food,Journey — Shhhh @ 9:09 pm
Tags: , , , ,

Not bad, not bad!!  I spent the rest of yesterday on the couch, and nursed my hangover.  All was well in the eating department, and I managed to keep down a bunch of water, too.

Did I tell you my starting weight?  I cannot remember… it was 160.4.  Now, I do know that a few of those pounds were sodium weight, what with the four days of ridiculous eating before.  However, the last “real” weigh in I did, on the Wednesday before my food vacation was 158.  That was a new high that caused my freakout, leading to food vacation, leading to GAME ON.

I stepped on the scale today to see 155.6!!  Nice!!

I took a couple of pics of my food over the last few days:

Jammy Cheesy Cracker Goodness = 81 Calories

Avocado, Asiago, Sprouts = 316 Calories


I’m totally in love with the simplicity of this wrap right now.  And my excema loves the healthy oils.  Because of it’s simplicity, you can really taste how the asiago compliments the avocado.  So yummy.

Last night, I was craving pancakes, but I have no mix.  I’ve always used a mix, but it’s not a part of my healthy living lifestyle, so I have not bought any in about three years.  So I googled last night and found a simple recipe.  Holy shit, I had NO idea that making pancakes from scratch was SO easy!!  And WAY better than a mix!!  So light and fluffy, and I was even able to make them whole wheat!!

Here’s the recipe:

  • 1/2 cup flour
  • 1/2 cup whole wheat flour
  • 1 cup skim milk
  • 2 Tablespoons sugar (optional)
  • 1 teaspoon salt
  • 4 teaspoons baking soda
  • 2 eggs

Mix the wet, mix the dry, mix together.

I work tonight, doing the delivery job for the Chinese food place.  I’m counting that as my “ass of couch” time, since I do a lot more activity during that job than I do in my regular job.  I’m thinking I’ll find a healthy option for dinner tonight, but I’m not sure what yet.  Either shrimp with veggies, or Subway (which is right around the corner).  Each option is high in sodium, but I’ll stay within my caloric range.

Hey, I have a problem in another area.  Maybe someone in blogland can help me.  This is what I posted on Beagle World this morning:

My rescue beagle has separation anxiety in the worst way. He’s destroyed the carpeting in two rooms and the linoleum in the kitchen while we were discovering his limitations. He’s done major damage to the house and cannot be left alone at all. We bought a regular crate, but he learned to get out of it, and that’s when he destroyed the linoleum, scratching and digging to get out the door.

I went out and bought a wire crate, and this has been successful in holding him. But his anxiety about the crate is so insane that you can actually smell it. He emits an odor of anxiety when he knows he’s going in the crate. However, we cannot leave the house without him going in it. But when he’s in it he howls, pants, stinks, poops… it’s awful. For everyone, but especially for him. Do you see the catch 22?

Side note: I do work from home, so he doesn’t have to go in it often. I do, as much as possible, coordinate my shopping and appointments so that he does not have to be crated, but sometimes it is unavoidable.

Last night was possibly the final straw for my husband. While I was in the bathroom with the door closed, my husband stepped outside to have a smoke. Bentley lost it. He thought he was alone, I guess. He went to my bedroom door and started digging, and ripped up the carpet and destroyed it.

I don’t know what to do any more. My husband is at his wit’s end. I am this dog’s fourth owner. I know that if I give him up, he will end up dead or fiercely abused.

Frankly life has become crazy trying to work around this dog’s anxiety.

Please, I beg you, help me. Help me find the tools to deal with this. Point me in the direction I need to go to learn the tools to relieve this dog’s anxiety. I just don’t know what to do any more.

Can you help me?  Any ideas?

November 17, 2009

Monday Update

Filed under: Daily Jabber,Fitness,Journey — Shhhh @ 1:20 am

Weekly Total:  01:15:00

Temp:  8C (buckets of rain, currently have wind and rain warnings up)

Calories:  According to NM it’s 245

Doggies needed a walk.  Done.

I hadn’t been on the scale in about three weeks, because I was SURE it was over 160. Yesterday I jumped on, figuring it had to be done.


Do you know what this means? It means I’m living a healthy LIFESTYLE. Yep, even though I felt like I was out of control, I was not.

HA! Go me!!

October 23, 2009

Top Ten Reasons to Lose the Weight

Filed under: Journey,Uncategorized — Shhhh @ 3:16 am

These were mine…

10. To be healthy overall.

9. To be a mentor of healthy choices for my family.

8. To get second looks when walking down the street.

7. To avoid diabetes.

6. To feel good about myself when I look in a mirror.

5. To have the freedom to shop in any store for clothes.

4. So I can be seen in a bathing suit and not feel shame.

3. So I can take pole dancing lessons.

2. More sex in every position possible!

And the #1 reason:

So that I can be proud on behalf of my husband when we are out together in public.

And you know what?  I have met every single one of them, and I live them every day.  I am so proud of myself.  I wrote this list when I was at 200lbs, and it didn’t seem real that I could actually do this.  I posted this on the inside of the mirror in my bathroom medicine cabinet.  Every day I see it.  I don’t READ it every day, but once in a while it catches my eye again.  And it makes me smile.

Oh, and guess who owns a dance pole.  *eyebrow wiggle*

October 22, 2009

Thursday Workout and Jabber

Filed under: Daily Jabber,Fitness,Journey — Shhhh @ 4:33 pm

Week Total 03:38:32

DVDs (Crunch Master Blaster & Crunch Washboard Abs): 00:55:27

Cals: 116

Temp: 21C (inside)

– – – – — – – — – – — – – — – – — – – – –


IN ZONE:   00:00:00/00:55:27

(Zone:  131 – 193)

AVG: 84 (45%)

MAX:  119 (64%)

AND the scale today read 155, which is down three pounds from Monday.

Um, yeah, so I ROCK!!!!!  Seriously, I don’t know what’s gotten into me, but I’m loving it right now!  I can actually see definition happening in my abs again.  I can see the results of these workouts. 

I’m alternating between cardio one day, and weight training/abs the next.  According to the HRM, it’s not a high burn, but I eat only the calories it gives me and figure that my body will work itself out with the rest.  I know I’m doing my heart and my muscles good.  I know that I’m working toward longevity.  I know that I’m doing the RIGHT things, and as long as I am, I know that the scale does not matter.

It’s funny, I used to be SO emotionally invested in that number on the scale.  And yes, it is still important to a degree.  But I don’t allow it to rule my life.  My life is about being healthy, not skinny.  If healthy for me means curvy, then so be it.  As long as I’m eating clean (at least 80% of the time), watching my sodium and cholesteral and fat levels, and getting all my nutrients in.  As long as I’m excercising my body.  As long as I’m doing healthy things, I’m living a healthy life.  And I feel fantastic!!

I’m having a hungry week, with my period almost due, but I’m not freaking out about it.  For example, last night, I made a stir fry that was mostly meat, with some veggies.  It was 4.5 oz turkey thigh, with celery, mushrooms, spinach and onions.  Holy Protein, Batman!  But I needed it, and I knew it.  And it kept me satisfied right through my nighttime craving time that I always get during PMS week. 

Okay, back to work!  Have a great day!

October 17, 2009

Emotional Eater

Filed under: Daily Jabber,Fitness,Internal Fat Bitch,Journey,Weight — Shhhh @ 3:54 pm

That’s me.  I definately ate my emotions this week.  And justified the hell out of them.  And countered it with excercise, but I digress.

I started this journey in 2007.  Febuary 19th, to be exact.  And I’ve learned amazing tools along the way that allowed me to lose 60 pounds and keep most of it off.  And yet, that “internal fat bitch” still lives in my head.  This week she won more often than not.

She screamed that she wanted chinese… she got it.  She screamed that she wanted a McDonald’s ice cream cone.  She got it.  Cookies, double burgers (homeade, but still…) you name it, she wanted it, she got it.  That bitch must die.

The good news is that I got an email from NutriMirror (I’m part of somthing they have going on, which you’ll learn about eventually), and it was one of those emails that asked point blank if you are still living the lifestyle, or if you are yoyoing and shouldn’t be involved.  There wasn’t even a hesitation in my heart.  I am NOT a statistic.  I am NOT giving up.  I am NOT yoyoing.  I am NOT. 

This was my thought process: 

I’m still very much a NMer, just in a different capacity than I was before. I use it when I’m feeling like I’m not judging my portions right. I go back to using the scale and recording everything for a couple of days, to refresh myself. Yes, I’ve let 5-7 pounds creep on, but I’ve also recently (very recently) decided that if I want those tiny extras that are currently costing me, then it’s clear what I have to do. It’s calories in, calories out. So if there’s more calories in, there needs to be more calories out. I’m ramping up my excercise, especially in the weight training area, because I want muscles and leanness that you cannot get from diet alone. I want curves in all the RIGHT directions, know what I mean?

So there you go… I AM SUCCESSFUL.  I will continue to work my ass off (literally).  I will pick up doing the abs workouts again (the reason my pants don’t fit is not cuz of weight gain, it’s cuz my tummy is loose again).  I will sculpt and shape this body.  If I lose weight, fine.  But here’s the crunch… I’m not going on the scale.  I’m looking at my clothes for size.  I want them to fit comfortably and well.  THAT is more important than the scale number.

I’ve been FREAKING out because the scale is showing me at 153-155.  The doctor told me to quit at 147.  Really?  THAT much weight is freaking me out?  No.  It’s the shape of my body that’s freaking me out.  I stopped working out like a demon and lost my form.

Although, I am constantly reminded that I’m not that fat blob I was.  I was out the other night, watching bull riding.  A guy came up and asked if I was gonna ride. When I said no, he made a hand gesture that ran from my head down my body and back up again, and onced over me with his eyes.  I laughed and still said no.  It turned out (as I overheard him saying to the girl next to me) that he was only asking the pretty girls.  I’m telling you, I wriggled with glee internally.

Then when I was delivering yesterday, I came out the driveway of a house, and a truck was pulling out of the opposite side of the street.  He turned his head, saw me and very openly mouthed “WOW” at me.  Again, it made my whole night!!

October 14, 2009

Tuesday = Popcorn & The Biggest Loser

Filed under: Daily Jabber,Fitness,Food,Journey — Shhhh @ 1:35 am

Woot to the Woot!!

I can eat popcorn tonight, cuz I can sing the song “What Have You Done Today”.  Yep yep!  I plugged in a couple of VHS’ I had laying around the house and did some strength training and aerobics for an hour. 

Mainly I needed to work off the weekend indulgences, lol.  Thanksgiving was brutal.

Meals today were fairly light.  I started my day with the oatbran breaky you’ve seen me jabber on here about.  Lunch was a turkey sandwich with cranberry sauce, tomato and sprouts with a handful of baby carrots.  Snack was an apple with yogurt and granola.  Dinner was cod, sweet potato, bashneeps and lemon dill sauce (made with water, not butter).  And tonight is POPCORN!

But actually, right now I must be off to run to the grocery store and buy popcorn.  I’m out.  The boy just about had his eyes bug out of his head when I told him, so I better go get some, lol.

October 4, 2009

Sunday today…

Filed under: Daily Jabber,Journey,Weight — Shhhh @ 4:30 pm

My son’s 23rd birthday was on Tuesday, the day we had to light out to Alberta.  So his dinner was postponed.  I’ll be doing it today.

For his birthday present I promised him any “mom dinner” he wanted, cooked the “old me” way.  Get this, he chose roast beast with yorkshire pudding, gravy, mashed potatoes, and bashnips (carrot turnip mash).  Yikes!!  The good news is that we’ll be going to play soccer afterwards.  I’ll need it to burn off all the calories I’ll be consuming. 

Speaking of… I stepped on the scale yesterday morning to see what the trip damage was.  158.6.  Gak.  I’m supposed to be going DOWN not UP.  Time to kick it back into gear.

September 18, 2009

I can’t even explain…

Filed under: Journey,Struggle,Uncategorized — Shhhh @ 4:10 pm
Tags: , , ,

How RELIEVED I am to have a place where I can be candid about my struggles without the fear of stepping on the toes of my real life friends. 

Here’s the deal… we all started on a weightloss journey in the last two years.  My sis and I were Feb of 2007.  My one friend was the following January, and my cousin… well, she’s been talking the talk since the beginning, but just started walking the walk a week or two ago.  And even then, I’m not holding my breath.

I made it to goal.  But then, I only had sixty pounds to lose.  And I was a pretty determined individual.  My sis has medical issues where she has to take metformin (sp?) to even think about losing weight.  But does she take it religiously?  No.  She self sabotages at an alarming rate.  And she is only about half way to goal.  She does not make herself a priority.

Now this shouldn’t bother me, except the self hate she has drives me nuts.  I know she hates being fat.  Loathes it.  Has terrible self talk.  For example, one time we were trying on clothes.  My internal dialogue was “not yet!”, said with anticipation.  Her’s was “you don’t deserve it yet”, said with disgust.  Yet, I watch her sabotage over and over.

At the least, I can say is that she always picks herself back up and dusts herself off.  She WILL get there.  This I know.

My cousin drives me INSANE.  She is tall.  About 5’10”.  And she is 300 lbs.  And she cries.  ALL the time.  She is one of the major reasons I need a safe place to blog.  I went on a rant one time about how I’ll never step in another Additionelle store again.  She took offense to it, and said I was calling her disgusting.  Um, no… I was saying that ME at a weight that I need to shop there is disgusting.

Then my mom takes me to task, because SHE heard about my rant.  She said that I was calling all fat people, and therefore her, second class citizens!!  Fucken WHAT???  What the hell is WRONG with people???

I cannot talk about my own fat, or my own fat issues, without someone in my real life taking offense.  I have ten extra pounds on my body right now, and I’m struggling with self sabotage with it.  But if I talk about it, I get scoffed at.  HEY, I worked fucking HARD to get down to 145, dammit.  I know the struggle, so don’t fucking tell me that my ten pounds isn’t important compared to your 100.  It is to ME.  And this blog is about ME.  Not YOU.  Get your OWN fucking blog if you want to talk about YOU and LEAVE ME ALONE.

Whew!  Wow!  That was a little harsh, huh?

I may be back later… that was fun!

My Weightloss Story

Filed under: Fitness,Journey,NutriMirror,Nutrition — Shhhh @ 1:55 am

I’ve never ever been a yoyo dieter, never tried losing weight, and was always a very happy person in my skin.  But at 5’2” and 208lbs I could feel my neck when I was laying down, and it bothered me.  I bought a pair of pants, and they were a size 22, but I had to make sure they had an elastic waist “just in case” (yep, in case I got FATTER!).  But it was when I was diagnosed with fatty liver disease that shame hit. 

I couldn’t even bring myself to tell my husband.  I mean, after all, if he knew I had FLD, he’d know I was FAT!  The HORROR!! 

My sister lovingly told me that she felt that Weight Watchers was something I should look into.  Having done the program successfully she knew that it would be a fit for me.  I decided I would do it. 

I purposefully took the words “try” and “hope” out of my vocabulary.  I didn’t “try” to lose weight, and I didn’t “hope” I could do it. I firmly believe that when you use those words, you are giving yourself permission to fail (well, I said I’d try, but it didn’t work).  I decided that I am accountable and responsible for my decisions and actions, no matter what they are.

I started with WW and used their systems to get myself from eating everything, within their guidelines, all the way to eating clean.  With them, I lost sixty pounds over a two year period.  I did it slowly, and I did it smartly, and I did it my way.

One thing that worked well for me, but is not advocated by… well, by anybody, really, is that I took one day a week off program. When I drove by McDonald’s on Wednesday and craved a Big Mac, I’d promise myself that if I still wanted it on Sunday, I’d have it.  And guess where I was every Sunday that first year?  Enjoying that Big Mac! 

Then my taste buds started changing.  I’ll never forget the last time I had fish and chips.  It was absolutely not worth it to me to have spent all those points to feel so disgusting and sick to my stomach.  Same story with movie popcorn (sob!). 

My body felt healthier eating clean.  My skin was healthier.  My hair, my nails… everything.  I lost 40lbs in the first year, and I lost a further 23 in the second, with eating clean. 

After a while, I was tracking my food on my own Excel sheets.  I couldn’t afford their program anymore, but I needed to be accountable for everything I put in my mouth.  I tried not tracking, and just relying on my body to tell me when I was satisfied (HA!), but that remained a struggle that I just kept losing. 

I started really noticing how different foods were affecting my body.  You see, at 208lbs, pretty much nothing affected me.  But at 147lbs, a cup of coffee at 8pm and I’m up all night, bright eyed and bushy tailed!  And sodium?  Can you say “bloat”?  I started reading deeper into outside forums, and shadowing blogs.  And I could see common themes and threads.  There was “apparently” more to this eating thing than just weight.  You have to watch “levels”.  Huh!  People watch these things?  Alright!  Now… to find a program that does this.  And it has to be free, because… well, because I can afford free, lol.

Back online I went.  I tried four different programs.  They were all good, but they each lacked something that I was looking for. I’d just get good and entrenched into a program, when a new (or, I should say, new to me) focus was introduced.  And I realized that there is WAY more to eating than just stuffing food down your gullet.  There’s this thing called “balance”.  I mean, come-on, we’ve all heard the term “eating a balanced diet” but for real??  Really?  How the HECK do people do THAT?

And then I found NutriMirror. (Insert choir music here)  I was actually on the DIFO in Craigslist and someone mentioned it.  I googled it (cuz I’m a google fiend) and found it.  I’m a total geek and love anything nutrition related, so I took the time to go through the tutorial.  Wow.  I was impressed.  It seemed to cover everything.  But then, so had the others.  I had invested hours and hours into them, and was not satisfied, so what’s one more, right?

I have been with NutriMirror for ten months as of this writing.  I’m still looking for that one thing that it is missing.  And I’m convinced that I’ll never find it. 

Since being on NutriMirror, my doctor has told me that I’m done with my weight loss journey.  I wanted to be healthy, and I’ve achieved it. 

Now, let me tell you something.  NOTHING is more scary than being told you are done.  For two years, I had been “on a weightloss journey”.  NOW who the hell was I???  And does this mean maintenance?  Omg omg omg omg… people FAIL on maintenance. 

Except… I have NutriMirror.  All I had to do was adjust my goals so they don’t include losing anymore and VOILA!!  My calories are all adjusted for me.  I still need to budget my food to reflect green in all the categories.  I still have to work out to earn more calories if I want to indulge.  Nothing has really changed except that I have more room to juggle all my good clean nutritious choices.  Huh!  What a concept!

Yes, I will have to track my intake for the rest of my life.  That is my reality.  The good news is that with NutriMirror, I am not only tracking my food, I’m educating myself, too.  Using NutriMirror, I know that my body is as healthy as I can make it. 

I set myself exercise goals, and I meet them.  I plan and stay within my caloric budget, and I shoot for green daily (98% of the time).  If I have a day where I indulge and eat out and it’s all red, I know looking at the front page that I’m healthy in general, and it keeps me from being crazy with my choices (in EITHER direction).  I’m not perfect (ssshhhh), but I know that I’m living a healthy lifestyle. 


And I’m using NutriMirror to do that.

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