As is usually the case once someone stops blogging, I’ve been eating crap and not moving my ass. Yep yep, it’s true. Okay, not complete crap eating, but close enough. I’ve been eating WAY more than my non moving ass needs. Thus I’m sure I’ve put on at least fifteen pounds. I’ve not stepped on the scale and I’m not going to, and dammit you cannot make me. I’m going to go by my jeans. I had to put up my jeans and get bigger sizes, and I am determined to get back into the old ones. I have always said I refuse to be a statistic. Now to live it.
I went to a funeral today. A woman I knew 15 years ago. She had Crones. Her mother officiated. It was one of the toughest funeral I’ve ever been to. Julii was 38. There were only three of us that were friends there. The rest was all family and family friends. It was so sad. Julii took herself out of society the last 12 years or so. I’d seen her once, six years ago.
I went because I felt I had to. She was in my life for a short time, but she was important to me. And it was important to me that I acknowledge her life. I’m glad I did, now that I know that no one else of our peer group went. I felt like I was representing. It was the right thing to do.
RIP Aunty Silly.
spoke with the ceo today, i have a job… just have to work out logistics. woot!
I got this via skype today: Dee, I gave my notice with APRIO today. I basically have resigned already as of today. Sorry that I could not provide any further notice to you. I had no choice really…So starting tomorrow you will be paid by APRIO if they decide to go ahead with you which i am sure they will. I of course highly recommended that in my email to John and if you want to call me i will explain what I said. Kerri
Hi, I’m Dee, but you can call me Panic. *pant pant pant*
I will NOT let this derail me.
I will NOT eat my weight in wings.
I will NOT binge.
I’m still really upset with you, and I’m not sure how to get over it.
I thought I was having a heart attack, and you just hugged me and said good luck, then went to bed. I had to call my sister to drive me to the hospital, because the pains were so bad. Did you care? Yes. Did you care enough to sacrifice your sleep? No. You couldn’t even sacrifice your sleep to take your wife to the hospital when she was scared she was in pain. When she was scared she was going to die.
I don’t even know how to fix this. It’s not like I can say “if you do ____ it’ll make everything okay” because there is no ________. I needed you. And you were not there for me. There is nothing you can say to fix that. It just is.
I guess I am having such a hard time with it because I struggle to allow myself to be vulnerable. I have my philosophy that “everyone leaves” and that I can only rely on myself and my closest. Before Sunday, my closest, the only ones I truly felt I could rely on were you and Sam. And now not you. I don’t feel that you will take care of me when I need you, because dammit, I needed you. You asked me what I was doing, and when I said “I need to go to the hospital” you said good luck and went to bed. I needed you. I was scared. I was in pain. And then I was alone. And then I had Sam. When I should have had my husband, I had to call my sister.
I guess it will just take some time to get over. But I felt like you should know that I’m really struggling with this right now. Really struggling hard. And I hate it.
You don’t have to talk to me about this. There’s nothing you can say. You said it all when you went to bed on Sunday.
I ended up in the hospital last night, and found out I am not having a heart attack, I have an inflamed stomach. So antacids, nonspicy diet, and I should be fine.
I must say though, that I’m PISSED at my husband. When he came to bed last night after his last smoke, he found me getting dressed. When he asked what I was doing, my answer was “going to the hospital”. His reaction? He hugged me, kissed my forehead and said “good luck” and went to bed.
I phoned my sister who took me down, and I have to tell you, I am flabbergasted. I said to him today after work, “I cannot believe that you did that to me last night. You let me go to the hospital by myself when I thought I was having a heart attack. I never would have done that to you.” He apologized, but I’m still really upset about it. I just don’t even know what to say to him. I’ve told him that I’m upset, so what more can I say or do? But in the meantime, life just floats along. He said sorry and that’s supposed to be it? It doesn’t seem right.
I feel like I cannot rely on him. He’s not my “go to” person, because of these kinds of things. He’s not reliable. He cares, but not enough to think about MY needs. It was his bedtime, and that was his priority.
I don’t know what to think or do…
This is my current favourite breakfast. Porridge oatmeal cooked with a half banana, then topped with either jam or apple sauce (apple sauce I also add cinnamon while it’s cooking), and a teaspoon of flax oil.
This is just an amazing wrap I had a couple days in a row. Liverwurst, avocado and tomato with a squish of deli mustard.
I love food. I mean TRULY love food. Have you guessed that?
If you see a recipe for something called Black Bean Brownies, and think “that looks interesting”, then you need to know that interesting actually means disgusting.
I have come to the conclusion that vegans have weird taste buds. Seriously, every recipe I try is vile. They call them by names that would make you think they are real food, but they are not. Oh, they SAY that their food is wonderful, but compared to what? Spiced cardboard?
Don’t get me wrong, I love black beans. But they are nowhere near brownies, no matter what you add to them. Hell, my dogs wouldn’t eat it, and even my teenager tried it and spat. And he’ll eat things the dogs won’t!!
Black Bean Brownies = Epic Fail
Actually, this title can look both forward and backwards.
Thanks to NutriMirror, I’ve learned how to fuel my body properly, and most importantly, how to LIVE in this body. I am able to keep myself hovering (I refuse to call it maintenance now, it’ll always be hovering to me) in the same healthy place. And when I feel like I am getting out of control, or that I need to refresh myself, back to NM I come. It’s always here for me.
I became obsessed with weight, nutrition, workouts, and such. So much so that my life was absolutely consumed, and I realized that none of my friends were around any more. Why? Because it was ALL that I would talk about. I wasn’t enjoying my new life. I was simply plodding through each day, refusing to gain weight.
NutriMirror took the FEAR out of my life. Teaching me how to eat healthy. Teaching me the fundamentals of calories in, calories out. But not just ANY calories… the RIGHT calories.
What do I see for 2010 for Shhh? A healthy HAPPY year. Full of good food AND good friends. Doing great activities and living life.
Enjoy it. It’s ours for the taking.
Thanks for listening.