Shhhh… You Don't Know Me

February 12, 2010

New Plan

Filed under: Daily Jabber,Food,Struggle — Shhhh @ 4:45 pm
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Three weeks in a row, my weight has STS.  Why?  Because I indulge on weekends.

I am at 156.6.  That is above my “shoot me” of 155.  I talk the talk, but am I walking the walk?  Hells no!  I eat out on Friday night, and think “bah, I have all week to make up for it”.  Then I indulge on Saturday, and on Sunday.  And while I did pretty good this week, I did go out on Wednesday after helping a friend move, and had dinner at White Spot.  Sure I ended up not eating the bun of my hamburger, leaving 3/4 of the fries, and a zoo stick, and a half of the caesar salad.  But I did eat half of the dry rib appy, the entire burger patty smothered in bacon, cheese, and mayo (I don’t even EAT mayo anymore, so why the hell do I order it at White Spot all the freakin time?), two zoo sticks, a few fries, and half of a full fat caesar salad.  Yeah, I picked the croutons off, but I made sure to eat all the fresh grated parmesan.  I was full before I even ate my burger, but I still ate it.  I hate me, sometimes, you know?

So, I have a plan.  I have my food for the day all worked out.  I figured it all out in NutriMirror.  I’m within my calories, but over on sodium.  That’s okay.  Considering the fast food, it’s to be expected.

I have a party tomorrow night.  I’m drinking the new 67 calorie beer.  Have you tried it?  It’s actually pretty damn good!  I will NOT indulge in copius amounts of chips.  I will eat a healthy dinner before we go, and I will bring a healthy snack with me.  Or maybe a veggie tray.  Yeah!  That’s the ticket!!  Then I can snack there and look like I’m participating in the noshing!!  *rubs hands together gleefully*

Sunday dinner I will indulge a little.  We’re doing steak, prawn skewer, mushrooms, twice baked potato.  What I will control is my portions.  Yes, I will. And I will report back to the positive.

OA talks about abstinence.  I’ve done a bit of soul searching and right now am being abstinent from cookies.  I have them in the house for the boy, who eats healthy 90% of the time when he’s with me (remember, he lives one month here, one month at his dad’s), so he gets to have cookies in his lunch.  I eat one, and the bag is toast within three days. 

I actually reached for them last night.  I was hungry, and had about 50 calories left in my day.  I grabbed the pack and read the nutrition.  Whoa!  No cookies!!  Even if I was not torturing myself abstaining, I couldn’t justify them at all.  It just made it hit home that much more to read how atrocious they were in the fat department.

I sometimes struggle with that half hour that I’m cooking dinner.  I’m usually really hungry, and find myself searching the cupboards, randomly reaching for quick items to shove in my mouth to “hold me over”.  I almost always hold back, but still find myself doing the behaviour.  Reality is that I’m going to eat something nutritious, delicious and hot in less than 30 minutes, so what’s with the frantic digging??? 

If I can only wrap my head around the Higher Power of OA, I think I might be okay there.  I’m doing a lot of self analysis, and I’m seeing the behaviours that they all talked about.  The thought processes.  I think the part that is hardest for me is the letting myself be helped.  For the last three years, I have done this on my own.  I used WW, but I did it online, on my own.  I use NM, but online, on my own.  So to admit that I am powerless over food, and to admit that I can’t do it alone, well… my ego is having a tough time with that one.

I have committed to six meetings, to truly give it a shot.  I’ve been to two.  The first was pretty much a joke, but the second?  That was so powerful that I didn’t even want to report on it.  Because my ego started freaking out that maybe, just maybe, I was thinking of handing over the reins on this one.

Here’s a list of questions they ask:

1. Do you eat when you’re not hungry?

2. Do you go on eating binges for no apparent reason?

3. Do you have feelings of guilt and remorse after overeating?

4. Do you give too much time and thought to food?

5. Do you look forward with pleasure an anticipation to the time when you can eat alone?

6. Do you plan these secret binges ahead of time?

7. Do you eat sensibly before others and make up for it alone?

8. Is your weight affecting the way you live your life?

9. Have you tried to diet for a week (or longer), only to fall short of your goal?

10. Do you resent others telling you to “use a little willpower” to stop overeating?

11. Despite evidence to the contrary, have you continued to assert that you can diet “on your own”?

12. Do you crave to eat at a definite time, day or night, other than mealtime?

13. Do you eat to escape from worries or trouble?

14. Have you ever been treated for obesity or a food-related condition?

15. Does your eating behavior make you or others unhappy?

Today I answer yes to nine of these.  A few of them are sketchy in that I can answer “rarely”.  Old me answered yes to 14. And the word  “rarely” doesn’t enter into it at all. 

Okay, THAT was interesting.  Time to throw my head in the sand for the day and get to work. 

In the meantime, here is my eating plan for today:

Br:  Milk & vitamins, egg mcmuffin (whole wheat english muffin, 1/4 cup egg white, 1 slice black diamond FF cheese, 1 slice deli cooked ham)

Lu:  2.3 oz chicken breast, 2 cups spring mix, 1 oz avocado, 1 tablespoon yogurt caesar dressing

Sn: apple, 1/2 cup ff plain yogurt, 1 cup carrots (eaten randomly through day when hungry)

Dn:  2 chicken fajitas from McDonald’s  (I’m working doing delivery tonight)


September 18, 2009

I can’t even explain…

Filed under: Journey,Struggle,Uncategorized — Shhhh @ 4:10 pm
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How RELIEVED I am to have a place where I can be candid about my struggles without the fear of stepping on the toes of my real life friends. 

Here’s the deal… we all started on a weightloss journey in the last two years.  My sis and I were Feb of 2007.  My one friend was the following January, and my cousin… well, she’s been talking the talk since the beginning, but just started walking the walk a week or two ago.  And even then, I’m not holding my breath.

I made it to goal.  But then, I only had sixty pounds to lose.  And I was a pretty determined individual.  My sis has medical issues where she has to take metformin (sp?) to even think about losing weight.  But does she take it religiously?  No.  She self sabotages at an alarming rate.  And she is only about half way to goal.  She does not make herself a priority.

Now this shouldn’t bother me, except the self hate she has drives me nuts.  I know she hates being fat.  Loathes it.  Has terrible self talk.  For example, one time we were trying on clothes.  My internal dialogue was “not yet!”, said with anticipation.  Her’s was “you don’t deserve it yet”, said with disgust.  Yet, I watch her sabotage over and over.

At the least, I can say is that she always picks herself back up and dusts herself off.  She WILL get there.  This I know.

My cousin drives me INSANE.  She is tall.  About 5’10”.  And she is 300 lbs.  And she cries.  ALL the time.  She is one of the major reasons I need a safe place to blog.  I went on a rant one time about how I’ll never step in another Additionelle store again.  She took offense to it, and said I was calling her disgusting.  Um, no… I was saying that ME at a weight that I need to shop there is disgusting.

Then my mom takes me to task, because SHE heard about my rant.  She said that I was calling all fat people, and therefore her, second class citizens!!  Fucken WHAT???  What the hell is WRONG with people???

I cannot talk about my own fat, or my own fat issues, without someone in my real life taking offense.  I have ten extra pounds on my body right now, and I’m struggling with self sabotage with it.  But if I talk about it, I get scoffed at.  HEY, I worked fucking HARD to get down to 145, dammit.  I know the struggle, so don’t fucking tell me that my ten pounds isn’t important compared to your 100.  It is to ME.  And this blog is about ME.  Not YOU.  Get your OWN fucking blog if you want to talk about YOU and LEAVE ME ALONE.

Whew!  Wow!  That was a little harsh, huh?

I may be back later… that was fun!

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