Shhhh… You Don't Know Me

September 18, 2009

I can’t even explain…

Filed under: Journey,Struggle,Uncategorized — Shhhh @ 4:10 pm
Tags: , , ,

How RELIEVED I am to have a place where I can be candid about my struggles without the fear of stepping on the toes of my real life friends. 

Here’s the deal… we all started on a weightloss journey in the last two years.  My sis and I were Feb of 2007.  My one friend was the following January, and my cousin… well, she’s been talking the talk since the beginning, but just started walking the walk a week or two ago.  And even then, I’m not holding my breath.

I made it to goal.  But then, I only had sixty pounds to lose.  And I was a pretty determined individual.  My sis has medical issues where she has to take metformin (sp?) to even think about losing weight.  But does she take it religiously?  No.  She self sabotages at an alarming rate.  And she is only about half way to goal.  She does not make herself a priority.

Now this shouldn’t bother me, except the self hate she has drives me nuts.  I know she hates being fat.  Loathes it.  Has terrible self talk.  For example, one time we were trying on clothes.  My internal dialogue was “not yet!”, said with anticipation.  Her’s was “you don’t deserve it yet”, said with disgust.  Yet, I watch her sabotage over and over.

At the least, I can say is that she always picks herself back up and dusts herself off.  She WILL get there.  This I know.

My cousin drives me INSANE.  She is tall.  About 5’10”.  And she is 300 lbs.  And she cries.  ALL the time.  She is one of the major reasons I need a safe place to blog.  I went on a rant one time about how I’ll never step in another Additionelle store again.  She took offense to it, and said I was calling her disgusting.  Um, no… I was saying that ME at a weight that I need to shop there is disgusting.

Then my mom takes me to task, because SHE heard about my rant.  She said that I was calling all fat people, and therefore her, second class citizens!!  Fucken WHAT???  What the hell is WRONG with people???

I cannot talk about my own fat, or my own fat issues, without someone in my real life taking offense.  I have ten extra pounds on my body right now, and I’m struggling with self sabotage with it.  But if I talk about it, I get scoffed at.  HEY, I worked fucking HARD to get down to 145, dammit.  I know the struggle, so don’t fucking tell me that my ten pounds isn’t important compared to your 100.  It is to ME.  And this blog is about ME.  Not YOU.  Get your OWN fucking blog if you want to talk about YOU and LEAVE ME ALONE.

Whew!  Wow!  That was a little harsh, huh?

I may be back later… that was fun!

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