I had a BIG talk with my mom yesterday. About God, and the concept of God, and why I’m struggling so much with OA and how churchy it sounds.
I also, I told her, am struggling with “letting go and letting God” because my ego is totally in the way. I’ve done this on my own for three years (or it will be on the 19th of this month… go me!), so giving it over to someone else… yeah, I’m having issues with that one.
She says “give it over to yourself, then”. Um, what? I don’t get it? She says “you are your own God”. Nope, still don’t get it. My mind is not grasping what she is trying to give me.
We talk further, and I’m telling Mom that I know that there is a higher power. He has shown Himself to me. So why am I struggling with the word “God”. Why am I struggling with picturing the old guy in the robe with the white hair and the staff? I know He exists. Why can I not wrap my head around this?
Mom asks me what I do believe, and immediately out of my mouth pops “the universe”. I throw things out to the universe all the time, and they come to me. My laptop for example. Everything I throw out to the universe, I end up getting. I have faith, I throw it out, and it happens.
So mom says “then your higher power is the universe, God as you see Him is the universe”. Hmmm. Maybe. But how does that tie in to giving it over to myself, which she keeps repeating? She says “are you not part of the universe?” Yes. “Then are you not part of God as you know him?” Maybe. If God is all things, then he is me as well, and if I “let go and let God” then I’m letting go and giving it to myself. Maybe it’s like I’m letting my conscious self let it go and giving it over to my unconscious or subconscious self? Hmmmm. That I might be able to wrap my head around. That makes sense to me.
But back to the whole robe, staff, white hair dude thing. We start talking about the universe again, and mom says “can you imagine the universe and the fact that it does not end”. I said that of course I can, it is what it is. She says “so you can grasp the concept of infinite?” Um, yeah, it goes on forever, with no end. Again, it is what it is. She goes on to say how a good majority of people struggle with that concept. They feel there HAS to be an end. There HAS to be an other side. There HAS to be a last number. And those people that struggle with the concept of infinite, or the universe, also struggle with defining God.
I talked about pigeon-holing. I feel that churches pigeon-hole us, God, rules, hellfire and damnation, everything. I have always fought against the church, while having my own relationship with God, because I felt like the church was so judgmental, so… pigeon-holing.
Mom said “well of course it is, because people NEED it to be”. She said that if you cannot imagine infinite, the universe or God, and you need borders, final numbers, and images, then the church is for you. God gives himself to you as you need to see him. If you cannot wrap your brain around Him and his infinite being, then he will give you a pigeon hole that you can define Him and your life in. He will give you Himself as you need Him.
I don’t need Him to pigeon-hole Himself, or His ways. I believe that He is what He is. Vast, forever, infinite.
So, when I go to OA meetings, and they are talking about God, where it bugged me that it sounded to churchy, now I will sit back and smile, knowing that MY God is infinite in is his Love, Wisdom and Being.