That’s me. I definately ate my emotions this week. And justified the hell out of them. And countered it with excercise, but I digress.
I started this journey in 2007. Febuary 19th, to be exact. And I’ve learned amazing tools along the way that allowed me to lose 60 pounds and keep most of it off. And yet, that “internal fat bitch” still lives in my head. This week she won more often than not.
She screamed that she wanted chinese… she got it. She screamed that she wanted a McDonald’s ice cream cone. She got it. Cookies, double burgers (homeade, but still…) you name it, she wanted it, she got it. That bitch must die.
The good news is that I got an email from NutriMirror (I’m part of somthing they have going on, which you’ll learn about eventually), and it was one of those emails that asked point blank if you are still living the lifestyle, or if you are yoyoing and shouldn’t be involved. There wasn’t even a hesitation in my heart. I am NOT a statistic. I am NOT giving up. I am NOT yoyoing. I am NOT.
This was my thought process:
I’m still very much a NMer, just in a different capacity than I was before. I use it when I’m feeling like I’m not judging my portions right. I go back to using the scale and recording everything for a couple of days, to refresh myself. Yes, I’ve let 5-7 pounds creep on, but I’ve also recently (very recently) decided that if I want those tiny extras that are currently costing me, then it’s clear what I have to do. It’s calories in, calories out. So if there’s more calories in, there needs to be more calories out. I’m ramping up my excercise, especially in the weight training area, because I want muscles and leanness that you cannot get from diet alone. I want curves in all the RIGHT directions, know what I mean?
So there you go… I AM SUCCESSFUL. I will continue to work my ass off (literally). I will pick up doing the abs workouts again (the reason my pants don’t fit is not cuz of weight gain, it’s cuz my tummy is loose again). I will sculpt and shape this body. If I lose weight, fine. But here’s the crunch… I’m not going on the scale. I’m looking at my clothes for size. I want them to fit comfortably and well. THAT is more important than the scale number.
I’ve been FREAKING out because the scale is showing me at 153-155. The doctor told me to quit at 147. Really? THAT much weight is freaking me out? No. It’s the shape of my body that’s freaking me out. I stopped working out like a demon and lost my form.
Although, I am constantly reminded that I’m not that fat blob I was. I was out the other night, watching bull riding. A guy came up and asked if I was gonna ride. When I said no, he made a hand gesture that ran from my head down my body and back up again, and onced over me with his eyes. I laughed and still said no. It turned out (as I overheard him saying to the girl next to me) that he was only asking the pretty girls. I’m telling you, I wriggled with glee internally.
Then when I was delivering yesterday, I came out the driveway of a house, and a truck was pulling out of the opposite side of the street. He turned his head, saw me and very openly mouthed “WOW” at me. Again, it made my whole night!!