Shhhh… You Don't Know Me

September 19, 2009

New Day, New Attitude!

Filed under: Daily Jabber — Shhhh @ 2:27 pm

Why Why WHY do I wake up at ridiculously early hours on Saturdays?? Am I so looking forward to NOT working that my body screams UP?? lol

I hate going to bed angry.  Poor hubby last night.  He was obviously missing me, but  I was in SUCH a foul mood that I didn’t want to be touched, let alone cuddled or smooched.  He must have told me he loved me at least six times in the last hour of my day.  To the point where it started annoying me, which annoyed me because  I was trying NOT to be a bitch to him, even though I could feel my claws out.  I knew it was nothing to do with him, and was in “leave me alone I need to be in time out” mode.  He did give me space.  I love that about him.

And that is why, even though I woke up thinking about my night, I refuse to carry it into today.  I have a pot of coffee on.  The scale gave me lovin this morning (more on that in a minute).  And it’s going to be a great day!

The scale:  This morning it read 153.4lbs.  Woot!!!  I was at 147 when my doctor looked me up and down and told me that I can stop losing.  (holy did THAT send me on a tailspin!!)  My BMI states that 138 is the very top of the healthy range for my height (5’2″). 

What amazes me is the difference that even a mere five pounds can make on a body.  At 208lbs (my starting weight), five pounds was nothing.  Here, five pounds means that I can’t wear half my closet.  It means muffin tops.  It means my gut sticking out.  It means drawing eyeballs to my tummy.  It means being uber self conscious.

I have a fair amount of excess skin.  It’s called the “apron” in the weightloss world.  And it’s gross. 

I currently rub mine down with a mix of shea butter and olive oil, which suprisingly makes a huge difference in appearance.  It seems… smoother?  Less textured?  I dunno.  Maybe it’s psychosamatic.  Whatever.  I feel good about it.  *grin*

People always ask if I’d do a tummy tuck.  I don’t think so.  I have a hard time coming out of surgery, and the last time was a little scary (I had an endometrial eblasion).  So I wouldn’t want to risk my life for something cosmetic.   Each time I’ve had surgery, it’s been tougher on my body.  I think I’ll save those for if I have a medical need.  And if that day comes, maybe they can do a twofer since I’m already under.  Uh?  Uh???  Maybe…  *wink*

Today the only  things on my plate are grocery shopping (need freggies STAT) and bowling.  I’m looking forward to the activity.  I was going dancing tonight, but my girlfriends hubby came home unexpectedly, so she’s having some man time tonight.  He works out of town for weeks at a time.  No way can I be mad at her for ditching me.  Hell, I’d drop her in a heartbeat in the same scenario!!

However, it does leave me in a limbo of “what to do, what to do”.  I can’t do anything to whacked out, because we are on call for baby time.  My grandbaby is going to be born any day now.  She’s due on the 21st. Poor thing, she’s so done… Flintstone Feet and all.  She has had enough of being pregnant.  I remember how tough that last month was.  Plus she was violently sick with morning sickness the first five months, so this has not been a joyous pregnancy by any means.

This is my second grandchild.  The first is in foster care (long story of addicted teen having babies that is sad, violent and tragic) and we haven’t seen him in five years.  I’m now back in secret contact with his mom.  She’s been clean for almost a year and hopes to get her boys back in December.  I have my fingers crossed that we will be able to move forward in a positive light and put the past behind us.  I just want a relationship with my grandson without the drama. Without the stalking.  Without them breaking into my home.  Without them beating up my children.  Without the hell.  Maybe enough time has passed that we can do that.  I’m willing to risk it, on my own (the rest of my family doesn’t know I’m doing this) just to be with my grandson.

Okay!  Let’s stop THAT unhappy note, shall we??  Maybe having freedom to talk is NOT a good thing.  LOLOLOL

I put an RSS feed widget thingy over there on the right.  Idon’t know if it works.  Let me know, willya?  If it doesn’t then it means I’m missing a step, and will need to investigate further.



  1. first of all thanks for the “fucking” comment. Made me bust a gut lol.

    Second; wow you are the exact weight i am aiming to be!! what did you do?

    i hear you on the belly apron, except mine is horrendous now with fat lol, i dont even know if i can see my hoohaa in the mirror anymore.

    Comment by Big_mummy — September 19, 2009 @ 6:30 pm | Reply

    • You can read my journey on the other pages… over there —->

      I totally have to go read your blog from the beginning. Your fuckety fuck fuckness made me roll! I knew immediately that you were my kinda blogger. LOL

      You can see pics of what my apron looks like now on the page about getting to goal… can’t remember what I named it now, even though I just created it this morning. DON’T DO DOPE. Yeesh!

      Comment by Shhhh — September 19, 2009 @ 6:35 pm | Reply

      • Oh oh! It’s called “The Mindfuck Called Done”. 🙂

        Comment by Shhhh — September 19, 2009 @ 6:36 pm

  2. Hai, I don’t know you 🙂 but found your blog through Syl and like your writing.

    I see you have a Cairn Terrier? Love those, I have a West Highland White Terrier, same dog only white 🙂


    Comment by Fran — September 20, 2009 @ 6:00 pm | Reply

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