Shhhh… You Don't Know Me

September 18, 2009

I can’t even explain…

Filed under: Journey,Struggle,Uncategorized — Shhhh @ 4:10 pm
Tags: , , ,

How RELIEVED I am to have a place where I can be candid about my struggles without the fear of stepping on the toes of my real life friends. 

Here’s the deal… we all started on a weightloss journey in the last two years.  My sis and I were Feb of 2007.  My one friend was the following January, and my cousin… well, she’s been talking the talk since the beginning, but just started walking the walk a week or two ago.  And even then, I’m not holding my breath.

I made it to goal.  But then, I only had sixty pounds to lose.  And I was a pretty determined individual.  My sis has medical issues where she has to take metformin (sp?) to even think about losing weight.  But does she take it religiously?  No.  She self sabotages at an alarming rate.  And she is only about half way to goal.  She does not make herself a priority.

Now this shouldn’t bother me, except the self hate she has drives me nuts.  I know she hates being fat.  Loathes it.  Has terrible self talk.  For example, one time we were trying on clothes.  My internal dialogue was “not yet!”, said with anticipation.  Her’s was “you don’t deserve it yet”, said with disgust.  Yet, I watch her sabotage over and over.

At the least, I can say is that she always picks herself back up and dusts herself off.  She WILL get there.  This I know.

My cousin drives me INSANE.  She is tall.  About 5’10”.  And she is 300 lbs.  And she cries.  ALL the time.  She is one of the major reasons I need a safe place to blog.  I went on a rant one time about how I’ll never step in another Additionelle store again.  She took offense to it, and said I was calling her disgusting.  Um, no… I was saying that ME at a weight that I need to shop there is disgusting.

Then my mom takes me to task, because SHE heard about my rant.  She said that I was calling all fat people, and therefore her, second class citizens!!  Fucken WHAT???  What the hell is WRONG with people???

I cannot talk about my own fat, or my own fat issues, without someone in my real life taking offense.  I have ten extra pounds on my body right now, and I’m struggling with self sabotage with it.  But if I talk about it, I get scoffed at.  HEY, I worked fucking HARD to get down to 145, dammit.  I know the struggle, so don’t fucking tell me that my ten pounds isn’t important compared to your 100.  It is to ME.  And this blog is about ME.  Not YOU.  Get your OWN fucking blog if you want to talk about YOU and LEAVE ME ALONE.

Whew!  Wow!  That was a little harsh, huh?

I may be back later… that was fun!

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6 Comments »

  1. Well, having to be careful makes it not much of an outlet for you then, which is what blogging is about. I think so anyway.

    This stuff is hard enough without having to worry about other people.

    I got some weird comments after I lost most of my weight. I decided to quit listening to the words. Most negativity has to do with their issues, not you. They feel less, etc … You can’t change that. You can only change how you interpret it when it comes at you. I chose to interpret comments from friends and family as coming from love. Beyond that, I don’t listen. 🙂 Maybe that doesn’t help. But in 99% of cases, the issue is on the other side and not you.

    Comment by Mary Meps — September 18, 2009 @ 8:33 pm | Reply

  2. I hear you Dee! I haven’t actually let any of my own friends/family know that I have a blog. Because I don’t want the opinions. I enjoyed reading your weight loss story on here and definitely can relate to regaining 10 pounds and having that journey be even harder than the initial 40,60, whatever number of pounds lost. I am rooting for you (with no judgements)!

    Comment by Too Fat for My Spanx — September 19, 2009 @ 1:12 am | Reply

  3. It’s tough, that’s for sure. My husband knows I have a blog, but he doesn’t really read it. Both my sisters know…but that’s it. Even then, I sometimes hesitate to post things for fear of offending anyone. For example – I don’t have a lot of shopping options for Petite sizes where I live, it’s pretty much Reitmans. In their pants I wear a 10 or a 12, but in their tops I’m finding I need an extra large. And I keep thinking: what’s up with that? I don’t think the upper half of my body is huge – I’d say I’m fairly well proportioned. But I’m determined that I have to lose some weight because I don’t want to end up in plus sizes…Which is what stops me from posting any of that because I don’t want to offend anyone who does wear plus sizes…And I’m worrying about people I don’t actually know. I can’t imagine if I was worrying about family.

    Comment by JavaChick — September 21, 2009 @ 1:09 pm | Reply

  4. Dude… some people need to CHILLAX!!! Your blog… your right to say whatever you want. They don’t have to like it but they need to remember that your personal reflections are reflections about YOU… not them. Blogging can be SUCH an incredible emotional outlet, and it makes me furious when people ruin that for others. If you have issues about yourself, don’t take it out on others by pissing on their parade when they are celebrating overcoming theirs!!! People always thing the world revolves around them… as if you were even thinking of their struggles when you wrote that!!!

    I’m SO glad you have somewhere you can just be you!!! 🙂

    Comment by Phoenix — September 24, 2009 @ 5:31 pm | Reply

  5. Oh boy, do I feel ya on this! I just got a call from my Dad this morning saying how he read on my blog that I called my current computer hook-up “ghetto” and he thinks people may be offended by that and I should go back and edit it. WTF?? Really?? I’m starting to get annoyed about this. People will call me and say “I read this on your blog and I read that…” And? So what?? I know my mom is not thrilled with some things about me personally that I wrote this week, but I feel like telling them to bug off. Don’t read it if you think you might not like it. That’s how I feel. But, the people pleaser part of me (especially when it comes to family), makes me want to censor things, but then that’s not BEING REAL! It’s so hard, but I am so THRILLED for you that you have been able to find an outlet for yourself where no one has to “know your name”, so to speak! Rock on, girl!

    Comment by Marisa (Trim The Fat) — October 3, 2009 @ 5:23 pm | Reply

    • Marisa, I’m telling you, do this. Create a side blog of real you. It’s absolutely freeing. Blogging became a chore, and something I didn’t look forward to anymore. It lost it’s meaning. It lost it’s shine. Some keep two blogs. I thought of doing that. I thought of cross posting the “safe” blogs to the old one, but then I realized that I didn’t care that much. I do have a very private community weight loss blog of very close peeps, and I can cross post to there if necessary. But the rest? Personal problem. Not my person. Not my problem. Blogging remains about ME.

      Comment by Shhhh — October 4, 2009 @ 4:25 pm | Reply


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